This morning I was reading some past entries from my journal (as I often do) in order to feel a little bit better about the path/direction my life is headed towards. On the surface I can be pretty dramatic, but oh god you don't even want to know how dramatic I sound when I write in my journal.
Obviously, this is completely okay. When I write in my journal with pen, it's easier to let my thoughts flow. I also write in there more often when I am feeling more negative thoughts, as letting out my stream-of-consciousness is usually really therapeutic and healing for me in tough times.
So with all that being said, I'm going to share a couple of pages from my journal of me being super dramatic :)
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March 8, 2021
It's finally hitting me that I'm graduating college and wow I do not feel ready in any way. Truthfully, I'm not even worried about my career. I'm worried about losing the people who mean the most to me. Everyone keeps reminding me "that's just the way life goes," but they can't ever seem to explain why.
I can't comprehend why I had to spend 4 years of my life making new friends, only for it to be ripped away. That sounds dramatic, but it's just hard for me to understand why scattering across the country without any of those I love most by my side gives me such a giant pit in my stomach, like I was punched in the gut. I'm terrified of abandonment, and it doesn't feel good to picture people leaving.
I wish they could reassure me, but that isn't their job. It ignores the fact that they are also experiencing a crisis in their lives. Of course I'm not the only one graduating and I can't make this all about me. But I'm just stuck here writing, trying to make sense of the world and the way we live and lose. It feels like we build sandcastles only to tear them down. Sure that's pessimistic, but an inevitable feeling when you struggle with anxiety.
The thing is, I know the next phase of my adult life is going to be wonderful. I'll be pursuing my passions and helping make the world a better place. I'll be independent and free and happy and absolutely fucking terrified at the same time. But 22 feels too young to say goodbye to best friends and bachelor nights and trips to taco bell, trading it all for a white picket fence that feels 100 ft tall, like a wall blocking out all of the things that used to be the most important to me.
I know it's okay to feel this way, but that doesn't mean I don't feel incredible alone. Everyone else is ready to move on, but somehow I always end up feeling like the high school quarterback who still goes to football games in his letterman jacket long after graduating.
Truthfully, it's embarrassing or at least it feels embarrassing, and I'm not really sure why. Life sometimes feels like it's telling me where I'm supposed to be or how I'm supposed to feel, but I'm always a little bit behind the rest. Or I spend too much time worrying about what comes next, instead of what is happening right now. I think deep down it's my (FAILED) attempt at preparing myself for the potential stress that lies ahead.
Hopefully I can find some healthier ways to focus on the future that don't involve self-sabotage (lol). It isn't as easy as others make it look, but I think I'll start by reminding myself that I am (pretty much never) the only person in the world who has ever felt these feelings before. Or any feeling for that matter.
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Reading this entry gave me peace of mind that struggling with change is something that is and always will be a part of me. I don't really think it will ever truly escape my personality, but I can certainly continue to grow, change, and improve the ways in which I cope with change. After all, it is one of the only constants in life! ( I used to say it was the only constant, but then I thought of the sun rising and setting every day. Or the seasons). It's probably because I have such a logical family who helps me see things differently sometimes, no matter how much they annoy me.
Anyways, if change is difficult for you, you are certainly not alone. If it's easy for you, then I'm super jealous! Thanks for reading
The people that make my world go round! I know I'm not really losing them forever :)
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