Today I figured I would write a little bit about my experience with ADHD, a disorder that is so commonly misunderstood, but one I am very passionate about nonetheless! I will most likely write many separate times about this topic, as it would be IMPOSSIBLE to fit all of my thoughts into one post. Unless you want to be reading for hours. But I'd rather not put you through that torture.
In order to be ~relatable~ I'll start off with my own experience! Sometimes when writing on my blog, I get this guilt where I feel like I talk too much about myself. But it's MY blog after all! Plus, I even if no one read it, it is still therapeutic for me which is what truly matters most. The next time I write about ADHD, I'll make sure to get scientific. But for right now, I just want to share a little bit about how it has affected me in ways I failed to realize until I was 22 years old!
Anyways, when I was in elementary school, I was a good student. I got good grades, respected my teachers, and completed assignments. However, I struggled deeply with major anxiety and insecurities for as long as I can remember.
Here's a story I've actually never shared before: when I was in first grade, I was super excited about my new, pink backpack that had all of the Disney princesses on it. However, I had a crush on a boy in the grade above me, and from my societal knowledge of the opposite gender at a young age I "knew" that boys do not like pink or princesses. I "knew" that he would think my backpack was very lame and would therefore refuse to like me back. I can't believe I was in first grade and worried about shit like this!!
It's stories like this that make me realize that my anxiety has been present for quite a long time in my life. Unfortunately, I did not fully recognize or identify this until my sophomore year of college when I decided to bring it up in therapy. I was able to start taking medication (woo Zoloft am I right), which has been a tremendous help! While I still tend to expect that worst occasionally, or act out of fear, taking medication has drastically improved my life in ways in which I am incredibly grateful.
Since my anxiety was based on worrying too much what others thought of me, correcting this was life-changing. Suddenly, I was acting more like "myself." I was speaking my mind more, putting myself out there, and having a LOT of fun. Managing my anxiety, like so many others in my position, was what ultimately lead to the discovery that I have ADHD!!! Since I cared less what people thought of me, I began to over-share, show up late more often than usual, and commit to too many social events.
This is actually very common for people with ADHD. For one thing, something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria accompanies ADHD. According to WebMd, "'Dysphoria' comes from a Greek word that means “hard to bear." People who have RSD don’t handle rejection well. They get very upset if they think someone has shunned or criticized them, even if that’s not the case. Up to 99% of teens and adults with ADHD are more sensitive than usual to rejection. And nearly 1 in 3 say it's the hardest part of living with ADHD."
Once in third grade, my class went to the bowling alley. I was enjoying my time, despite needing bumpers and being awful, until one of the parent chaperones approached me. He told me that I was stepping too far over the line. Sure enough, I looked down and there was a red line the would blink colorfully every time I stepped over it, signaling to me that I had gone too far. Now, why an adult man decided to tell this to a third-grade-girl is beyond me. But that's not the point.
Many kids would see this, think "oops," step back, and continue playing. I, however, was distraught. Without letting anyone know of course, as not to be a burden (another fun issue of mine), I silently cried in the bathroom before returning. I was unable to stop thinking about this for the rest of the day, and didn't even want to throw the bowling ball again because of how I ashamed I was of myself. Poor little cc. There's so many times I wish I could go back in time and give the young me a great big hug, reminding her that everything is going to be okay.
Here's another story: all throughout school (and sometimes still to this day) I would be running out the door so often that I grabbed my shoes and put them on in the car (or when I got to school if I drove myself.) One day, I genuinely forgot to bring shoes. I didn't even realize that I was not wearing shoes until I stepped out of the car onto the cold concrete!! I know kids are weird, but I don't necessarily think it's normal to just forget shoes!?!?
Forgetfulness also accompanies ADHD. If you want more stories regarding this issue, you might want to sit back and make yourself a cup of tea, because we would be here a WHILE. Sometimes it's painful to recall the amount of missed assignments, forgotten appointments, and unread emails that have plagued my life.
My final story (for toady lol) also takes place in the first grade. We were learning about segregation one day, and as a demonstration my teacher had set up the chairs to look like we were sitting inside a bus. We then acted out what happened to Rosa Parks when she was sent to the back, simply due to the color of her skin. While segregation is a complex and awful topic that likely makes children sad, once again I was absolutely distraught. I could not fathom why anyone would be treated differently like this, and I cried so much my teacher had to tell my mom about it. What 6-year-old does that?? Me I guess lol.
Extreme empathy is yet another symptom of ADHD, something I was so interested to learn about! It made so much sense!! No wonder I cried so hard when people died in movies. At the age of 2, my dad was playing the song "Still" by the Commodores while driving. When we got to our destination, he opened the door to take me out of my carseat only to find me in tears. I couldn't understand the words to the song, but somehow just felt the pain and sadness from the music!!
This is both a blessing and a curse. I love my empathy because it helps me relate to others, make lasting connections, and strive to make the world a better place. But it's also overwhelming and sometimes I just have to turn the news off before I combust.
I have so many stories like these that it's crazy no one realized just how debilitating it was. I'm glad that ADHD is slowing becoming more understood and widely recognized, so that kids like me can get the help they really need. I've only scratched the surface of how ADHD affects me, so I definitely plan on writing more so that it can be more understood by those who don't know its full affects (Don't worry, I had no idea either--even just a year ago!).
If you made it this far, as always thanks for reading :)
Little baby cc after her dance recital!
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